I do not believe that I have to accept the current norm as it is nor do I believe that I cannot change it. Just because something is the way it is right now does not mean it is not subjected to change. If I do no change it, it may be changed by someone else and it might not be the result I want. Therefore, I feel a certain obligated to exert whatever little influence and ability I have to make it be the result I want. For who else will do it for me?

Daydreams

Studying in the early AMs leads to frequent daydreaming because I lack the motivation to concentrate. Whatever I'm reading easily loses its appeal (if it had any at all to begin with) and my mind starts to wander off a very different track. 

My desperation to escape this boring routine of school and studying often leads to dreams about traveling. I still really really want to travel to Europe. Or even New York City. I really want to go somewhere that is not here. I want to see a new cityscape. I want see if those other places are as nice as they are portrayed in movies (they're probably not but hey, let me decide once I see it). I want to go on an adventure!

Second entry in moments! Haha. I just need somewhere to let my crazy ideas spill over to.

Studying really does get my creativity going-- my motivation to think of other things to do other than studying is high and so my aim to create distractions for myself is strong.

Despite not one to want to go to a club on a Friday night, I still really want a night out in the city. I love seeing the city at night with the lights of the skyscrapers on, contrasting the darkness of the sky. I would love to be out there, on a hill somewhere, with a DSLR (that I know how to use, not own) to just capture a few shots of the cityscape. The closest I've been to accomplishing this was earlier this school year when the class was on a boat that was circling the bay and we went under both bridges and got to see the cityscape from the sea. The view was beautiful. Sadly it was only a small minority of the class that got to see it...the rest was below deck. The draw of a dance floor with some alcohol was a bit to alluring I suppose. Hahaha.

Studying for exams have taken a feeling of sheer desperation. Studying is no longer for learning purposes. Studying is now for the hope of passing the exam tomorrow and not tanking this thousand dollar gamble of a degree. I wish I could say I am learning the material and am able to fully process it, but the sad reality is I don't have enough time or the mental ability. Perhaps with practice, the material will be retained better. But for now, it's cram, regurgitate, forget, and repeat.

This feeling of desperation is taking a major toll though. I wish for another way to approach this.

My study song of the moment: Good Life by OneRepublic. The song is such a contrast to the reality of my current life. Yes, this should be the prime of my life. I suppose by most standards, I should be out having fun and partying, but no. The way my life is going (along with my choices), makes this song the anti-anthem of my life. But the tune of carefree-ness and adventure is most definitely appealing right now. Anything but studying for multiple dreary exams right? :/

Restlessness

A feeling of restlessness hit me while studying and now I feel extremely distracted. My brain is currently being filled with non-study related stuff and bugging me a lot, so hence this blog. When random ideas hit me, I never seem to know what to do with them. There seems to be no outlet for my crazy ideas, so they get bottled up and build up pressure. But honestly, what do you do when you get only fragments of ideas and no way to carry any of them out?

For instance, the idea of green (or more environmentally friendly) dentistry/medicine always bounces around in my head, but I have no idea of what to do with the idea or even how to approach it. What I mean by this is that I always notice how wasteful medicine can be (think of all those needles that get thrown out each time someone gets a shot... now I know that they're thrown out for contamination purposes, but all that material adds up and builds in a landfill somewhere...) and it bothers me. Especially as a first year student, I noticed that dentistry uses a lot of non-recyclable items and I keep wondering if they're actually recyclable and we're just not recycling them or is there a way to reformat them for a different use....

It just bothers me. =( If you have any ideas or even resources to give me to learn more about this topic, I'll like to take a browse through them (...when I find time...). This has been bugging me for a while now. 

On another, totally unrelated topic, I seem to find myself daydreaming about food a lot in class. Whyyyyy? It makes me so hungry =(. Yeah.... sorry for the sidetrack. I'll go back to studying now. >< 

It is always before exams that I find time to do so many other things besides studying...like updating this blog. Haha. I would like to say things have improved, but I would be in denial if I said that. The actuality is that pressure has increased and I'm more tired than ever...

On another thought, the topic that they presented us on the retreat day-- passion, has been lingering on my mind for a while. Like it was said, dentistry does not necessarily be our passion but we should definitely have passion in our lives because that is what drives us. A good chunk of a hour or more was spent on "discovering" our passions and writing them down on a paper... Despite it being an interesting activity, I think I'm still missing the point of incorporating passion into my life.

I suppose my new goal, or attempt for the next week or so will be trying to incorporate time for things I'm passionate about into my life to keep my motivation levels higher and my spirits happier.

Time for more calls to family. I love my family and they're certainly a passion of mine. I hope I can learn to better expression my gratitude and appreciate of them. In addition, more time for communication with friends too, for what would my life be with them? I have to thank them for all the times of laughter, support, and keeping me sane.

I won't get too ambitious and try to tackle multiple passions on my first attempt. However, I hope to attempt some of these other ones later: art~ find time to draw more and perhaps start on a mini project for fun; language~ learn Mandarin; self-improvement~ oh gosh, there's so much work to do here; exercise~ hahaha, let's see if I can drag my lazy bum off my chair to break a sweat.

Eeep, back to studying. Til next time (aka the next exam).

tired blur of events

The last few days of school feels like a tired blur of events. With classes beginning at 8 nearly every day, my alarm at 7 wakes me and I begin the daily cycle of shuffling myself from class to lab to class to lab and to more lab after school. Admittedly, the stuff I've been learning, especially in the lab classes have been pretty neat. I rather like making wax models of teeth. Drilling (or more properly, prepping) teeth for fillings is extremely challenging, especially because it's not easy to drill at odd angles, but it feels like a fun challenge (at least for now). As to my science classes, I need to put in a lot more effort to not fall asleep in class. Without my trusty friends, I am now napping too frequently through one too many lectures. I must work on my resolve to stay awake through all my classes. Perhaps a good idea would be to start with sleeping before 2am?

Untitled

With time, what is initially unfamiliar becomes familiar...and I guess I am waiting for time to work. To actually be a professional student is such an odd feeling. With this role, I am suppose to be responsible, mature and respectable, but I don't feel like I've attained any of these qualities.
I feel a little ambivalent about this whole entire thing. This is what I've been working for the last four years, but now that I'm here, I guess some of the glitter has worn off and I'm wondering, how and what now? How do I approach this?
I guess it's self-doubt that is nagging at me right now. Sometimes, I still get the feeling I don't deserve to be here and that I lack the essential qualities to become the clinician I want to be. This lack of confidence and self-assurance is terrible. I need confidence and determination to reach my goals....
Most importantly though, I know I must not trap myself in a bubble where all I know is school and grades. That happened in college and it was awful. There is always much more to life. I must remember that. There is life outside of school.

The mind unhinged

The mind unhinged from the constraints of logic and realism believes that anything is possible. After a certain hour in the early AMs, my sense of realism gets diminished and I begin to think of nonsensical ideas. Sometimes this occurs after long hours of concentrated work/studying. To my unfortunate friends who have witnessed me at those moments, they can testify to the oddness of my ramblings and ideas.

Today, as my woozy brain and tired eyes try to maintain awakeness , I contemplate the idea of a secondary, side career. As to what career, I don’t know. Anything that allows me to be a full-time student with flexibility would be great. But honestly, I think I’ll just settle for anything that pays me…legally of course. My lighted laptop screen in the middle of a dark room is not very inspiration. Among the few ideas that flinted across so far have been 1. Setting up shop on esty.com, though I honestly have no idea what handmade items I would sell. 2. Collect recyclables. Problem with that is the monetary yields are way low for the amount of time and effort it takes. I’m a student first. Recycler second. 3. Learn calligraphy and freelance. The trouble with this one is I’m lacking in skills AND tools. It’s a major investment to start it. That’s all that I’ve come up with so far. Is there nothing else I can do but study for the next few years??? I’m seriously thinking, if others have enough time to get drunk at clubs every few Friday nights (or even more often than that), then I should have enough (small) time to do something a little more productive than inebriate myself.

Then again, there is always sleep. I can always nap those potential hours away. Heavens knows I can use more sleep.

Now that’s an idea. Sleep.

Goodnight.

When it rains...

When it rains...are the heavens crying? It's a question I've wondered before and still don't have an answer to. Perhaps it is a little on the philosophical side, in that it doesn't have an answer per say, but I've always wondered. The uncontrollable-ness of weather and its unpredictability...it's quite a force of nature.

With the past few sunny days and lack of heavy rain for a while now, today's showers felt like a welcomed break. Despite my usual dislike for the rain and my love of sunny days, I enjoyed hearing the rain fall and seeing how it watered everything outside. It felt...oddly appropriate. A relief from the sun? A break from the norm? I'm not sure.

Music Genome Project

04.19.11

So the Music Genome Project that Pandora Radio runs off of is a really neat thing. My usual list of study music feels overplayed these days, with finals approaching and projects popping up left and right, so I decide to let Pandora compile a list for me. Out of curiosity, I typed in ‘Girls Generation’ (a South Korean pop group) into the “Create a Station” to test out Pandora’s foreign music capabilities and see how extensive their collection is. The results this time were pretty good in my opinion. The songs I got were generally up-beat (being dance songs, it’s kinda expected) but surprisingly easy to study to (or at least read a business textbook to). Pandora’s foreign music collection has improved from the last time I tried it...in 2010. xD

Some interesting songs that came up on the station today:

“Du Style” by Jena Lee --- the song was in French! Definitely the most intriguing song of the list. I think I’ll look into this artist more another day.

Apple And Cinnamon by Utada --- oddly catchy song in my opinion...

Baby Don’t Cry by Namie Amuro

Fix of Compromise by Dynamik

For A Lifetime by Melee 

It was a interesting introduction to contemporary songs from other countries. An education on world music in a (microscopic) nutshell?

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Pandora also flooded me with BoA on that playlist. Go figure right?

Procrastination

04.17.11
In the mist of procrastination, the idea of setting up a blog seemed like a great idea and so, hello new blog! As to what this blog will contain, only life, time, and my whim will tell.

Hopefully I'll manage to write with decent grammar, discuss something worth contemplating, entertain someone with a story, update this blog with reasonable frequency, and write something worth the time to read.